Parenting: What do you choose, respectful relationships or…

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“He’s never going to raise his voice to his parents! ” The very gentle and friendly father appeared  decided. “That’s what I learned from my parents,” he said.  I looked at his wife and she nodded her head in agreement. “Ok,” I said” I get that.” “Do you ever yell at your son? “Sometimes…,” the father answered. “Often” the mom answered very honest. “Well, then you lost your right to demand that your kids will never yell at you. Because…what they learned from you is that when you are frustrated and angry it is ok to yell! That’s the way you show them to behave when you are upset! And…for children in general, it’s much harder to control their emotions, just because they are kids. So if you can’t control your emotions…” 

The parents looked up quite confused. I continued: “If you punish as you did, and 10 year old Stephan is not allowed to go to a birthday party because he got upset about something and yelled, then that is more like taking revenge because you are the one who  has the power.

You better teach your child how to express his frustration and handle his stress. You expect that your young kids are able to control themselves better then you yourselves are able too! Isn’t that interesting?” “Yes”…the dad said…”that’s how we learned it…” Honestly, the couple was great in their intentions to create a more happy family life then they had ever experienced themselves as children. No one had ever asked them  how they felt when they were young, they went through a lot.  They just behaved well and adapted to the situation…and then the problems show up later in marriage. “

Even though you don’t like it when a kid is yelling, you can tell him or her: ”I hear you are upset, but I can only talk with you when you are calmed down, Take a deep breath and start over… calm…” Do not send them away for punishment. The message is in that case: “When I am expressing how I feel,  they send me away. They don’t love me the way I am.” Honestly, that is a deep and conscious perceived notion. But it is crucial in awareness for being loved and appreciated for who you are. It is a key for being afraid later for conflicts and for speaking ones truth.
Yes…and that’s why so many children  and especially teens are alienated from their parents and have so many fights at home. Often, parents do not really listen to the needs of their kids, concerned as they are for not having met their own need for respect.
I am sorry that in public schools not a little bit of time is dedicated for tress-release in a world where stress is only increasing, as well as in the school.

And…for children in general, it’s much harder to control their emotions, just because they are kids. They still have to learn so much and their brain isn’t developed in every area.   So if adults can’t express themselves calm and respectfully…how can we expect the kids to do it better…”

Teach what you want to see in your child!
Prefer authentic connection above superficial, feelings and suppressed politeness. Build on respectful relationships…and you’ll have lifelong quality!


Parenting-happy parents, happy children, happy home

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