Hidden loyalties, procrastination. Everyone has hidden loyalties. This is such an important topic! I will share a little bit, and explain much more, in the upcoming workshop and video that will be posted on FB and YouTube. We all have loyalties to our belief-systems, family members, siblings, ethnicities, nations, grandparents, to the suffering of our ancestors, or to groups of people we may be unaware of. Loyalty, in and of itself, is an extremely important trait in relationships, but as family constellations reveals, it is often connected to self-sabotage. It starts with our loyalty to the ones who gave us life.
Every day still millions of children are verbally and psychologically mistreated, as has been going on for centuries. Yes, the most widely recognized forms of abuse are physical and sexual, however at the core of all abuse is emotional abuse. When adults do not heal their own wounds a vicious circle takes place. Traumatic experiences of past generations can still reverberate to future generations. The attacks on a child’s emotional well-being and sense of self-worth are often done unconsciously. The power, impact, and consequences of the use of words has been highly under-estimated. Though, not everybody realizes that. Fear for “what if…” blocks the empathic and compassionate development and much more. We could simply realize that many are not really happy with them selves or in their relationships.
Eight years ago I divorced without a lawyer. To ease the difficulties I used energy psychology tools which really helped the situation. Because there were 3 children involved, there was a mandatory 3 hour mediation session. A very nice and capable woman, also psychologist, showed up and we all were pleased how the session went. A little while ago I bumped into her at a party and I said: “You know, everything turned out so well, my ex and I have a very cordial relationship and the children are doing great and do not have any significant emotional scars or issues as result from the divorce whatsoever.” She paused, and looked deep into my eyes and said “Carla, they ALWAYS get scarred by divorce”. I answered “No , that is called LIFE!” Difficult life experiences are opportunities for growth and learning that enrich and strengthen us. These experiences shape us to be better people. We can choose to heal that victim feeling. The tendency to label every issue as a disorder or disease bothers me. The DSM V (Diagnostic Statistic Manual) is thicker than ever. I totally don’t deny there are many real mental diseases, of course there are. However, identifying everything with labels free Read More
“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change…” Positive Mindset Imagine that this quote would be taught at school. If children would learn that they can choose different thoughts about any situation! That they would learn to think independently, geared towards making positive choices. It would help them to face and change hidden negative beliefs and blocks. Those blocks thwart living a fulfilling life, hinder the flow of love and success in work. Often those negative beliefs run through the family for generations. If your ancestors lived in poverty and fear of persecution, most likely you carry some patterns that are still related to those situations. Even if there’s nothing to worry about, the habit to live in fear is deeply ingrained. If you cannot sleep because your bank account is kind of empty, you think that a huge amount of money would take away your worries and you would be happy. But guess what. Many who changed from being in poverty into being wealthy, do not change their thoughts and beliefs and continue the habit of living in fear. They are very worried they might LOOSE their wealth. What you focus on, creates more Read More
Epigenetics Are you willing to stop worrying about what the world wants from you and willing to make it your job and your life purpose to fully live, love and feel every precious moment of your life? (Not easy, right?) Did you ever realize that “worrying” is a HABIT, most often inherited from your family? Imagine, your ancestors might have experienced extreme violence, even for centuries. Then they moved to the USA to be free. Today your family lives in a relatively safe situation. But the habit of worrying can still exist. Even if there’s nothing to worry about. Do you realize that by living in FEAR your stamina gets low, your immune system is negatively effected and your serotonin productivity is inhibited? If you are one of those “worriers”, here are some tips. Challenge yourself with questions. “Is it really necessary to worry about this?” “What am I achieving by doing so?” “How would I feel if I would let go of all those thoughts that don’t serve me but stress me out?” Rebuild TRUST. In our science based way of thinking, TRUST is a vague energy that we cannot “prove”. Only with metaphysical concepts can this be understood. Read More
Generational Patterns /Transferred Traumas/ Epigenetics and Cheating “My husband sometimes cheats on me, he says that he really loves me and doesn’t want to divorce, and it just drives me crazy!” Linda looked at me with deep sadness. “Did he lose a parent at a young age?” This is usually the first question I ask with these kind of matters. Why? Because as Bert Hellinger (Hellinger 2001) so greatly explained, “when a child loses a parent, he is not strong enough to bear the grief and sadness. Instead the child reacts with anger.“ Anger can be seen as aggression as well. The message that the child gets is also that of “If s/he really loved me s/he would have stayed. “ A young child doesn’t have a true understanding of what death or even loss through divorce means. As a result, they take these events personally.
Really? No one to blame? Is it THEIR stuff? One of the tools that contributes to personal happiness is this quote from Don Miquel Ruiz: “Do not take it personally!” It is a very simple phrase that contains much wisdom. As adults we can choose to relearn communication, free of blaming, manipulation and guilt trips. We can choose to awaken and practice kindness, compassion and loving acceptance in our thoughts and behavior. We reframe our conscious mind with clarity, undo and release habitual thinking patterns stored in our Epigenetics, our “emotional DNA”, and we become aware of the energy of words. We learn to shift gears if we tell ourselves that we do not take it personally when someone brings us out of balance, hurts or blames us. On top of that we learn to honor our needs. The compassionate model of Non-violent Communication /Crystal Clear Communication that I teach couples and families supports the clear observation which includes no criticism, comparison nor judgment. To identify ones feelings as a response to unmet needs makes that one takes responsibility for his own unmet needs, instead of putting that on the lap of another person. That means that you first have Read More
“He’s never going to raise his voice to his parents! ” The very gentle and friendly father appeared decided. “That’s what I learned from my parents,” he said. I looked at his wife and she nodded her head in agreement. “Ok,” I said” I get that.” “Do you ever yell at your son? “Sometimes…,” the father answered. “Often” the mom answered very honest. “Well, then you lost your right to demand that your kids will never yell at you. Because…what they learned from you is that when you are frustrated and angry it is ok to yell! That’s the way you show them to behave when you are upset! And…for children in general, it’s much harder to control their emotions, just because they are kids. So if you can’t control your emotions…” The parents looked up quite confused. I continued: “If you punish as you did, and 10 year old Stephan is not allowed to go to a birthday party because he got upset about something and yelled, then that is more like taking revenge because you are the one who has the power. You better teach your child how to express his frustration and handle his stress. You expect Read More