I don’t know about you, but I am terrified of mice. At the psychology labs in school, I had a hard time being present when they were testing the intelligence of mice. One of my male friends , a medical doctor to be, kept several bottles with dead mice floating in preservatives. He took great pleasure in observing them. My glass of wine emptied very quickly when I visited him. As a college student, living in the center of Rotterdam in a typical student apartment, those little beings came to visit me. I literally ran out of my apartment and off to my boyfriend, who with his male strength courageous and courteous behavior went to buy all kind of contraptions to put in the walls in hopes of keeping those little creatures away from me. (Today he is a professor at Yale, probably not dealing with mice.) Of course many have berated me, and wonder WHY I have such an incredible fear of mice. As interested as I am in uncovering traumas that hinder us today, the one with the mice has alluded me. The most near and satisfying answer I’ve heard is in the hypothesis of a possible past life experience, where I could Read More
Fathers-day… for many people an insightful moment of reflection and gratitude. Really? It’s awesome if your heart naturally overflows from love and gratitude for the part you father contributes or has contributed in your life. But, for maybe even more people it’s a day with mixed feelings or just anger and sadness. Honoring your parents is a duty that has been imposed in your education by religions and other ideologies. It’s one of the Ten Commandments. Honoring your elders is an integral part in every culture. The “respect and honoring your parents” from the heart, which is so totally different then politeness, can be such a difficult act to do for those who have suffered abuse and rejection. They need compassion and no condemnation. They need more, actually. Much personal work needs to be done to undergo eventually a huge metamorphosis and release all bitterness, anger and pain. Most of the time we don’t do that, especially when it is much needed. Many don t believe that there are ways to get rid of these painful experiences and memories. Sadly enough, the subconscious loyalty in families from father to son, mother to daughter, is powerfully present. It’s not only that Read More
Hidden loyalties, procrastination. Everyone has hidden loyalties. This is such an important topic! I will share a little bit, and explain much more, in the upcoming workshop and video that will be posted on FB and YouTube. We all have loyalties to our belief-systems, family members, siblings, ethnicities, nations, grandparents, to the suffering of our ancestors, or to groups of people we may be unaware of. Loyalty, in and of itself, is an extremely important trait in relationships, but as family constellations reveals, it is often connected to self-sabotage. It starts with our loyalty to the ones who gave us life.
Antridepressants, depression There are many ways to raise your vibration including: thinking positive and uplifting thoughts. What about antidepressants? As a child did you listen to, or read, the story about the Emperor’s New Clothes? Fascinating, wasn’t it? Well, I found a courageous book entitled: The Emperor’s New Drugs, exploding the Antidepressant Myth. Many of you know and believe in the power of the mind and positive thinking. Also, many of you know that depressions can be part of Epigenetics, “inherited family traumas” as is so frequently evidenced in the systemic family constellation work. Click on title to read entire post.In one session the depression can be released, often forever. That means that conscious -and subconscious levels entangle and intertwine. You can try to be positive till you become blue in the face yet still carry, deep down inside, a sense of depressive feelings. Here’s what Irving Kirsch, PhD-psychologist, who for years had been referring his patients to psychiatrists for drugs, antidepressants, wrote in his above mentioned book: “The conventional view of depression is that it is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. The basis for that idea was the belief that antidepressant drugs were effective treatments. Our Read More
Do you enjoy watching or listening to sharp, inspirational and intelligent debates? I do. It’s an art if it includes maintaining respect for each other. Unfortunately, when the element of competition joins the performance, lower vibrations arise. Attacking, judging, cursing, become intruding tools. Lately, the political debates and news reports have repeatedly shown how easily lack a of respect surfaces, and how easily many people have made all kind of judgments. We know a lot, but there’s a lot we do NOT know. Read more about our upcoming workshop Self-development In the world of self-development it is crucial to become aware of criticism, judgments and presumptions in order to create fulfilling relationships and happy children. Cursing at each other and criticizing frequently tends to kill love and self-esteem. Comparison If we bring elements of comparison and competition in a relationship or friendship and think or say: “I’m better than you. My family is better than you. My ideas are better than yours.” , that kills love and relationships. This kind of attitude doesn’t contribute to positive growth or sustenance in relationships. In a political debate it’s not about friendship it’s about clarifying ones intentions, thoughts and opinions. Wouldn’t it be nice Read More
Family Constellations Children Just got a request from a LinkedIn group Psychology Network about HOW could you to tell a Parent (as therapist…) that they need counseling instead of their child. For many therapists that is a difficult position to be in. BUT, I realized how easy it is when I use my Footprint method that maps out effortless the dynamics and issues that are related to the question(s) for help. These pictures Instantly make parents reflect automatically on the situation they didn’t expect to see. And for sure they want to changes and counseling to divert the revealed information in the footprint mapping process.
Compassion, respect. Today, kids barely play outdoors anymore, though free play is extremely important for a balanced development. Schools are overwhelmingly large, non-personal and create, in general a lot of pressure for children. Competition instead of cooperation is often the primary focus. Competition alienates children’s from each other, ruins friendships and creates negativity. Fear of failure or success and lack of self-esteem can be the result. Children learn to have respect for winners. But what about the “losers”? Dont they deserve respect too? And…WHAT makes someone a loser anyway? What about teaching compassion and appreciating each other’s diversity? The judgmental system about good and bad behavior teaches disrespect and intolerance. Bad behavior is often a result of unmet needs. Needs related to safety (group-pressure, bullying, family-issues, a father that left) acceptance (being criticised many times a day) peacefulness (fighting parents at home)? School could be the place for compassion and joy, in addition to solely pointing the focus towards academics. A missed opportunity in learning compassion and respect.
Heartbased parenting, family constellations If the urge to control OTHERS would be recognized as an expression of FEAR-full thinking, than parents could be much more happy if they communicate their wishes differently. We can never REALLY expect anybody to do something they don’t want to comply with, other then using coercion/ threat which is violent. Being punished or rewarded for every step you take takes away the natural joy and behavior of ‘just doing it’. Requesting respectfully based on compassion and awareness of each other’s needs creates easy compliance. The model of Crystal Clear Communication is a great tool to realize that. Not to please each other to get something out of it, but to please because it is great to do something for someone else. The joy of the mitsvah/a good deed. Just a higher level of conscious living.
It seems so easy. You are pregnant, you cannot keep or don’t want the baby, and several people (who have a monetary or other interests) are suggesting or pressuring you to give up the baby for adoption “because there are wonderful parents waiting to give your child a great life.” Really? For sure, there ARE wonderful parents who are adopting children that need a home. No bad word about that! Often those kids are filling a hole in the childless marriages of those people. All that love and care they receive from those parents is a GREAT gift. However, babies are grown in the whom of their own mother. And giving away by birth is a deep felt Trauma with life-long consequences, with often a theme of BONDING issues and a doubtful SELF-ESTEEM. Poor birth mothers who have been forced to give their babies away, they are traumatized for life.
Respectful, authentic relationships. When you should NEVER take the cellphone from your child. It’s very upsetting, right, when your child/teen doesn’t speak respectfully to you and continues to do so after you expressed your disconcert/disagreement. As a response to unwanted behavior and feeling powerless and angry you probably have learned to take the phone away, saying: “If you cannot treat me with respect, you cannot have your phone. When you change your behavior and treat me with respect, you might get it back.” Guess what, a few hours later the behavior changed. You got what you wanted, more polite behavior. Polite yes, but that is NOT the same as intrinsic felt respect. The love for the cellphone made him choose different behavior, not the love for you. The opposite is true: instead of feeling genuinely respected you alienate more from each other. If your child treats you politely out of fear for what can happen, that is hopefully not the relationship you want. If your partner is angry, and doesn’t talk to you in the way you like, do you take his cellphone away? No. How do you respond then? If there is behavior from children what we interpret as Read More